just a little rant and a little bit of stuff

I have been trying to get into physical therapy school, it is a very difficult school to get into anywhere, especially in johnson city, which is where I really want to go, basically a 4.0 is required with a little 'political pull' and knowing the right people, as with anything competitive in this world. I am going to school right now for no reason except for just being there, a drain on my bank account and I am starting to not apply myself in school. I can go to a PTA (physical therapy assistant) program which will take 2 years at a community college for more than half the price of ETSU. I will be happy being a PTA I still help people and am in the same enviroment as a PT, just making about 10,000 less a year. I would rather be on the road to a career than just be in school, or hoping to get into a grad school I may never get into 50,000 a year is pretty good, especially if I love my job! and I can still go to grad school after a couple years of being an established pta it might even better my chances. Thing is....I feel like a major disappointment to my parents and everyone, my dad even said he would be disappointed :-( I thought parents wanted what was best for their kids, aka happiness, even if I'm a trash collector. I would think your daugther graduating with a bachelors with a 3.82, high school 2nd in her class and an associates, and then being a PTA would be an outstanding thing to tell your friends, espeically when you didn't even graduate high school. Maybe I should just quit school all together and work as a mcdonald manager as long as my dad is disapponted in me, might as well make it worth it. Sorry :-(

Glory in the Flower

What though the radiance which was once so bright
Be now for ever taken from my sight,
Though nothing can bring back the hour
Of splendour in the grass, of glory in the flower;
We grieve not, rather find
Strength in what remains behind;
In the primal sympathy
Which haivng been must ever be;
In the soothing thoughts that spring
Out of human suffering;
In the faith that looks through death;
In years that will bring the philosophic mind.
- William Wordsworth

Oh how this helps, even after so long.

The future

Some people say not to worry about it for it is to uncertain, others say you should prepare for the future by working everyday for success. I try not to think about the future to much, there is no use in worrying over sometime that was not even happened yet but when I do let my mind wander to the next years, it makes me very anxious and uneasy. What will I be doing in five years...will I still be in school and living in an apartment or will I have a job and be living in a house and making a success out of myself. Sure, I have a degree and some people call that success but I am not doing anything with my life, just waking up everyday going to class, not really learning anything that applies to my life, going to work, making everyone happy, hoping to make enough money to make bills and rent and enough money to eat the next couple of days. Will I ever be able to have a 'normal' 9 to 5 job with weekends and nights off so I can have dinner and and not have to worry about doing my supposed 'studying'. I also wonder if Bill Gates, or some random doctor ever wondered if they were going to make it and do what they wanted to do or if they were always sure of it and knew that in 5 years this is where I am going to be and what I'm going to be doing or if other people that many think as 'not successful' KNEW that they were going to have a degree and be a doctor, physical therapist, accountant, etc and somewhere along the road got a little off track. I believe this is steming from the fact that I have been in school for nearly 18 years and am still there and will probably be for atleast another 3...and many of my other friends are off getting married with careers. Everyone says, in the long run it will be worth it, i just say really will it?! theres not even a twinkle at the end of the tunnel, more less a light!! Will I ever get married, have children or even make enough money to get married and have children. I believe another of my problems is that I have expectations for my future, I want a big beautiful house successful career that I can afford basically, within reason, whatever I want. I wonder if it will ever come?!? I don't want to see the future, just know at least something for a little bit certain that I will not be working a t the Firehouse, or any other restaurant or anywhere near minimum wage job for that matter, depending on other people and what they think is a 'good tip' for my rent and bills. I believe I am giving up hope and am thinking that I should just quit school and get a job somewhere and work my way up the corporate ladder and maybe one day be making $11 or something at Lowes, McDonalds, or somewhere.....I believe I would be much happier, I may not have as much money as I want or be 'successful' in the eyes of my parents but atleast I know that I don't have to worry about studying and making the grade and waking up everyday and going to the same old classes.

my realization

After much deliberation, I have decided an anser to my previous blog (better to have loved and lost?) I sincerely believe that you should love with all you heart! Its what people do they jump and hope to God that they can fly because otherwise they drop like a rock, but that one person will be there to make you feel like you can fly.

Which came first the chicken or the egg?

Saint Augustine was quoted saying, "Better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all.", C.S. Lewis also wrote, "Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.". I found myself asking the question is it better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all? I'm not just talking about relationship love but also love for family, things, animals, friends... when I was a young tot I got this little tiger, his name was Kelly, he went everywhere with me first day of kindergarten, swimming lessons, out to eat, he even had a birthday and yes it was celebrated. I think that was the first time I ever experienced 'love'; I had Kelly until his eyes were falling off and stuffing was coming out, one day I came home from school and he was gone, my aunt had thrown him out, I believe I felt my heart break for the first time; if I never loved that thing I would have never felt that pain. I've found myself saying, I wish I were the tin man cause if I didn't have a heart I wouldn't miss you so, so I really believe this? The first time I had my heart broke in a serious relationship, I didn't think I would ever get over that pain and to this day I still remember it. Once again, if I never had loved, I would have never felt my heart break into pieces; I had so many great memories and was so happy in love, on cloud nine but was all that happiness worth the pain at the end? People say its the memories that make it worth it, when I think of those memories I feel happiness and sadness, sadness because it brings up the good times and happiness because it was wonderful. After my heart healed I think I am glad I had the experience but still the question remains. I also lost a family member very close to me, I hated the feeling it gave me, to this day I have not found anything that has hurt me as bad as either of these experiences. When I think back on memories of my aunt, sometimes I get a little tear in my eye, mostly because I think of her and remember the good times we had; but once again, if I had never loved her like I did I would have never felt the pain that I did. I believe this question for me is like which came first, the chicken or the egg, I will never know the answer, there are pros and cons to everything. Is it possible to go threw life and never love anything or have feelings? Maybe, maybe not but all this being said I try to keep in mind that all good things come to an end, be it death, the end of a relationship or a pet running away and that without pain you will never know the true feeling of happiness.

Sometimes I find myself wishing I were an animal, a bird, or a dog, anything because they don't feel pain, or so you think. It had been studied that even birds and dolphins can die of heartbreak, a type of bird called the love bird, two birds find each other and grow together, if they are separated or one dies, the other will die. If dogs, or anything for that matter, are raised together from birth, and one dies the other will starve itself and eventually die from heartbreak.

Friends

Friend- (merriam-webster dictionary) one that loves free, one that is not hostile.
I have not had very many good friends in my life, i do not trust people easily and definately do not let people get to me and care what people think about me or my relationships. Their are about 2 people inmy life that I would try to keep as friends, Jessie (my beloved roomate) and Lindsey (my very best friend ever) I have recently came across some people that I would apparantly do anything for. That scares me. I don;t think they could care anything about me. They say that I am detaching myself from them but when I am sitting on my side I just see the point that I don't know where any plans are made or I do not know anything about, but I am jussetting myself apart...am I supposed to invite myself?! I don't do that I only come to gatherings if I am invited and feel like I am wanted. When plans are made and everyone is talking about it, and you just found out about it a couple minutes ago, it kinda makes you feel like not a part of the group. I used to have to best group of friends a person could ask for, I could be myself and not care about how loud i was or how much I drank. I found someone that makes me happier than anything in the world and I would think a friend would be happy for you no matter what. I feel like I am being cut out of the picture ever so slightly and thought to be the "bad"guy that is making the world revolve arounf themself. I want my friends to be happy, I want everyone to be happy and have a good time together. I know this doesn't make a lot of sense, but I just want to be happy and in an awesome relationship (like now) with Billy and all of our friends to be happy about us, and that we have found something good, is that to much to ask?!?!

Life is good

So life is peachy... I have wonderful friends especially my roommate and best friend that would do anything in the world for me and cares about me, its one of the only female friends I have been able to keep around for a while. Just tonight she got me a little sticker, not a lot but just letting me know she was thinking of me and I couldn't ask for a better roommate. I have an awesome scooter, it only goes 30 but man I am cool while riding it people break their neck trying to see me :-), its the closest thing to a motorcycle that I can have right now. I got a new puppy, Locke he's awesome and full of life I don't see how anyone could have a bad day with a pup around. I have a wonderful guy in my life. He sees me for who I am and actually likes the real me even when I get real excited and can't really talk. He makes me smile a lot and I can actually really talk to him, real conversations and he actually listens to me, I can't say that for anyone else that I have ever dated. We can do something or nothing at all and I enjoy every minute with him; it has been a long time since I could say that. I think I could go to him about anything and I feel comfortable around him and talking to him, he's not just my boyfriend but my friend too. I am finally able to accept certain things and let it go of the past and have realized that just because I don't let somethings take over my thoughts doesn't mean that I never cared. People come and go in life and only the best leave footprints, I have many footprints on my heart and am glad for all of them, it has made me the person I am today. I need to make myself happy first and then all other happiness will fall into place it is not my reponsibility to make everyone happy, just hope that my presence will do them some good. I have been through some crazy things in life, and had some hard times, maybe not like other people, but everything I have been though has made me...me and thats the best person that I can be! I am glad I can truly say that I am happy with where I am in my life now. I didn't get into grad school, but there is always next year and maybe it didn't happen this year for a reason. I can now say that I accept my defeats with my head held high and not with the grief of a child.

Life is wonderful I hope it continues this way.